Dodgers: the Shower

Shortly before Game 4 ended, the area adjacent to the Busch Stadium experienced a severe water outage due to a break in a 20-inch water main at 811 Spruce Street. Maintenance crews arrived promptly and started working on the problem. Due to the complexity of the rupture, however, their efforts were repeatedly thwarted by uncooperative water. By the time the game ended, the crews were still chaotically blitzing amid spurning water geysers and, in terms of efficiency, their efforts have not significantly surpassed those of the three Stooges trying to replace a crankpin on a reciprocating steam engine during a volcanic eruption.

When the players entered their locker-rooms to wash off the sweat from the tiring game, they found their showers and water faucets ominously silent. But the Cardinals showed once again that when it comes to resourcefulness, they are second to none. Scott Rolen and Tony LaRussa got hold of a carton of champagne bottles and in no time surprised their teammates with a perfectly functional, if a bit improvised, low-pressure shower. Needless to say, they all had more fun in it than a bevy of witches in a broomstick factory.

The city officials present to this scene were so impressed that they decided to try and tentatively replace water by champagne in the city’s water distribution system next Friday. Upon hearing the good tidings, the citizens of St Louis displayed the level of glee not seen in this town since the participants of the Annual Convention of Midwestern Undertakers were informed that televisions in their rooms came equipped with the Coffin Channel.

However, due to certain subtle differences between the physical and chemical properties of both liquids, citizens of St Louis are advised to heed the following precautions:

-do not water your plants, even if they are bubble-resistant
-if you have to wash your car, do not lick it dry
-do not refill your aquarium unless you want hungover fish
-do not let your friends take a shower and drive
-rinse only objects that are not soluble in alcohol
-fires are to be extinguished promptly and without toasting
-until further notice lay off the garden hose and sprinklers

And most importantly: if you live in a cheaper sector housing, no matter what happens, do not wash your floor. Cockroaches can be really mean when drunk. Honestly, you don't want to be picking cockroaches from a line-up of grisly looking bugs. Trust me.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part III.

Inning: 3

Scott Rolen and Tony LaRussa enjoying themselves (Game 4).

AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak