Dodgers: the Robbery

In their duel with Dodgers, the Cardinals stole their bases so often that it didn’t escape the watchful eye of California's new governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was present at the ballgame.

Later at a press conference Arnold Schwarzenegger bemoaned Cardinals' basal thievery and suggested that stealing bases from Dodgers is largely unacceptable and ought to be summarily outlawed at least in the great state of California, together with mail-order bribes and drawn-out Oscar ceremonies.

He insisted that players at second and third bases be equipped with the pepper spray so as to better ward off potential base stealers. He also pointed out that if this measure did not ameliorate the present conditions, the bases might be encircled with barbed wire and guarded during the game by additional police forces clad in full riot gear. An electronic home protection alarm system would be installed on second base. Should the opposing players reach the bases anyway, they would subsequently be booed, heckled and name-called to the full extent of the Random House Unabridged Dictionary of American Slang. With such deterrents in place, stealing bases from the Dodgers should look as enticing as double-crossing the Napa Valley Pesticide Mafia.

Governor also pledged that players willing to return stolen bases would be able to do so anonymously at the Dodgers’ Stadium Club. In return for such unleashment of good manners there will not be any formal charges filed against them (nor will there ever be any formal charges for abusement of grammar).

Saint Louis Media Services Coordinator, Melody Yount, said that if Schwarzeneggers’ proposal gets the nod, or even a scratch on the nose, they will demand a rule that will prevent pitching by players, whose name coincides with that of a Latin American capital. This remark was clearly aimed at Jose Lima’s stellar performance in Game 3 of the series. Ms. Yount backed up her words by throwing an anti-government tantrum that registered 5.3 on the present Richter scale.

In response to her statement, Dodgers' Office issued a reconciliatory note, offering a pregame Base Fair at which players of the visiting team could buy new or used bases so they wouldn't have to steal them during the game. The Base Fair would feature a large variety of bases, starting with the plain styrofoam all-purpose one-size-fits-all square bags and going all the way up to perfect replicas of the lunar base for the high-end buyers. Base Rental might be available too. Should all else fail, the Dodgers would offer the time honored if old fashioned solution: BYOB - Bring Your Own Base.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part III.

Inning: 1

Tony Womack stealing a base from Alex Cora (Game 3).

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak