Cardinal Bar

Wherever there is a severe shortage of beverage dispensing facilities, we’ll be there.
Wherever there is an excessive parchedness of laryngeal ducts, you will find us there.
Wherever the rights of recalcitrant drunkards are trampled on, we'll bring the justice back.

Dear Customers,
In order to augment our repertoire of unique beverages, the Cardboard of Misdirectors has decided to expand the cocktail fleet by two drinks commemorating recent exploits of our St Louis brethren. However, beware of inordinate consumption of these two potions as they have been subject to very little rigorous testing so far, what with our test drinkers having gone AWOL shortly after our evaluation program started.

Thanks to a private investigator, some of them were found in a nearby picnic area rubbing elbows with the homeless haut monde, chugging Heineken from leftover cans, smoking butts of expensive cigarettes and appearing distractedly aloof (think solitary rose in a perfume gallery). But those were the lucky ones. Most of the testers disappeared like a plate of Spinach Puffs at a vegetarian reception. Without a trace. Except for one Josh Danielson, who showed up quite unexpectedly at his neighbors' anniversary party carrying ten pounds of couscous and a sword sharpener. The Police Report mentioned that his hairdo was "quite deliberate" and "warranting further investigation". No formal charges or shirts needed to be pressed.

With such irregular and uncharted side-effects, some caution is obviously due. Hence, in accordance with the "every man for himself" canon, we would like to put forth that our bar will under no circumstances be held responsible for damages, claims, ultimatums, accusations and/or lawsuits that might result from unfettered imbibing, particularly if they involve appearance of the following symptoms: undisciplined body wobbling, losing a spouse in the parking lot, begetting an illegitimate off-spring, scoring low on a Long Division Aptitude Test, smoking wicker chair shavings, accidentally curing malaria and falling from an uninsured horse or alpaca.

If you are immune to all of these, please, sign the liability waiver located in a poorly lit corner of our wine cellar. The unrepenting smell of good Chardonnay will be your guide. If you have done so already, do not hesitate any further and go knock yourself out. Wearing a protective suit of armor is strongly advised. Sliding down a firemen's pole is mildly discouraged.


National Championship Cocktail:

1/2 cup sweet Vermouth
1/2 cup chilled apricot nectar
1 tsp grenadine syrup
1 tsp raspberry liqueur
1 or 2 splashes of sweetened milk
1 jigger cream of coconut
a cube of  sugar
Maraschino cherries

World Series on the Rocks:

1 cup quinine water
1/2 cup bitter lemon
1 tsp sour cream
2 droplets of absinthe
1 dash Angostura Bitters
A spray of mouthwash
Green onions with the ends fringed



Why is it that human emotions are always thought of as being handled by heart? Wouldn't they be better off being managed by kidneys? A pair of those pierced by one of Amor's arrows would make for such a lovely Valentine! Let's start a revolution here!

Wherever there is a kidneybroken soul, we'll be there!

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part I.

Inning: 8

This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the actual bar, please visit their webpage:

Cardinal Bar, Madison, WI


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak