Tantoo Cardinal

Well, let’s not beat around the Busch Stadium, as they might say in St Louis: Baseball needs women! And, as if on cue, the famous Native Indian actress Tantoo Cardinal decided to call it quits and become the first professional female baseball player. When asked which team she’d grace with her sharp senses and fine knowledge of Native Indian rituals, she naturally chose the Saint Louis Cardinals.

As to what her position would be, coach Dave McKay answered that Ms. Cardinal will most likely play the shortstop. She will make sure that no player of the opposing team will get past second base. To this end she can use any powers at her command, whether they come from this Earth or from the Profusely Spiritual World of Eternal High Five. If she can somehow harness the power of wind, she might even pitch in to the rotation.

Ms. Cardinal, who attended the press conference in a knee-length skirt of deerskin, robe of turkey feathers, buckskin moccasins, and a band of wampum beads around her forehead, presented a defense plan that relies on several non-traditional procedures, such as tickling runners with eagle feathers, setting up fox snares alongside the base path, entrancing players by a ghost dance or outright scaring them with vivid face paintings. In emergencies, she might also invoke the ancient technique of smudging. Burning the sweet grass, sage and tobacco in a bowl, preferably an abalone shell, and then blowing the smoke into a runner’s face should confuse him enough to lose all sense of direction. Or at the very least it should thoroughly challenge his concept of logic.

In exchange for her know-how, the Cardinals promised a special health plan covering the use of medicine bundles and a personal voodoo assistant. His job description will include collecting performance enhancing herbs and driving the point of a whittled broomstick into the palm of the gingerbread puppet representing the opposing team's pitcher. A pow-wow with the club's elders will be held after every other game. The Busch Stadium will furthermore be cleansed of evil phantoms and repopulated with birds friendly spirits imported from the Ghost Rookery in western Illinois. The repopulation is pending physical examination, whose main aim is to ascertain whether the spirits would snore.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part I.

Inning: 5

This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the actual actress, please visit her webpage:

Tantoo Cardinal


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak