Cardinal fish (Apogon imberbis)
Inspired by the Cardinal fish that thrives among reefs in shallow waters, the owners of the St Louis team are considering the possibility of waterproofing the lower levels of Busch Stadium and submerging the playing field in about 20 ft of water. Says John Abernathy, the VP for Stadium Operations: "Yes, we are thinking about transforming the Busch Stadium into the Busch Water Park. Hydrological studies indicate that there is enough water in Mississippi and our front office has already ordered 60 tubs of industry strength bathroom grout. I am sure the players will have no problem getting used to fashionable wet suits and red-colored flippers. In order to expedite their transition to the new habitat, we have made appropriate adjustments to our next Spring Board Training schedule. The fans themselves should look forward to a PG-13 pre-game dolphin show and celebratory steamboating trips after the game. Those with both oars in the water could even start thinking of obtaining an advanced degree in comparative fly-fishing they always wanted. Finally, unlike in other franchises, we will never ever have to worry about rain delays again. Unless it rains cats and dogs, of course, in which case a small postponement may be imposed to give the Animal Rescue boats enough time to fish out the wretched pets."
Well, good bye, hot dogs. Fish&Chips anyone?
And there will be many other advantages for the Cards going underwater:
1. Jimmy Edmonds will be able to float as far as 40 yards per diving catch.
2. Opposing teams will be baffled by the perfect execution of the Infield Splash Rule.
3. Formidable pitchers will lose much of their punch since calculations of fluid dynamics experts clearly show that water is much harder to pass through than air. It can also be unusually wet, which will throw off pitchers' concentration. As for base-running, opposing players, unaccustomed to the increased resistance won't be able to exceed the speed of an arthritic sloth climbing uphill in a strong headwind and will fall easy prey to our wet-suited amphibian boys.
4. Those home grown omega-3 fatty acids in the Cardinals' diet will play havoc with any team foolish enough to show up at the Busch.
5. As there doesn’t seem to be a rule stipulating that major league players should be human beings, the Cards are considering acquiring a pair of sharks for those crucial plays in late innings, hoping that very few opposing basemen would have the guts to tag an approaching carnivore out (and from a strictly clinical point of view: those who would have the guts would probably lose them in the process anyway).
Not everyone, however, is enthusiastic about the Cardinals’ plans. When asked about his opinion, Boston’s Terry Francona told our reporter that something is definitely fishy about this proposal. Even Cardinals’ own Legal Office voiced serious concerns about complications associated with designing a comprehensive dental plan for the sharks. Under these circumstances, it is understandable that the Office of Laws and Bylaws enjoined the Waterpark project for the moment, citing prohibitive costs and "excessive sharkage".
Sturgeon General's warning: Baseball stadiums have not been approved as a spawning ground. Producing roe under bleachers may be hazardous to your health.
© 2004 Jan Rehacek
The Book of Cardinals 2004
This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the actual fish, please, jump into the ocean!
Part I. Namesakes
Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
Part III. Three Dreams