Cardinal, Virginia

Situated in northeast Virginia, Cardinal is a sleepy little town in the middle of nowhere. A place where time drags on so slowly that even bees can be seen loitering at times. But the town does have one claim to fame: a low-key one story building on Cardinal Road, the home of the Institute for Advanced Cardinovascular Studies (IACS), where legions of first-rate scientists dedicate their creative youth to improving the Cardinals’ chances of winning the World Series.

The St Louis players have repeatedly complained in the press that some of the balls they have to chase in the outfield roll a tad too excessively and as such are difficult to handle. It is not surprising then that one of the major research grants awarded to the IACS has been devoted to studying the rolling potential of various material objects.

To expedite this scholarly effort, the Institute’s Department of Science Friction introduced the specific trundling coefficient, which measures the extent to which any given object can be rolled. Its natural unit is RpC, i.e. the number of rotations an object makes on a reasonably horizontal hard wood floor per unit input energy - in this case 1 calorie - usually imparted in the form of a hearty kick. All calibrating experiments were conducted under normal atmospheric conditions, relatively low humidity and with the floor completely devoid of chewing gum, spilled honey, melted cheese and all substances whose stickiness would exceed the NASA norm for objects permitted on a launching pad at Cape Canaveral.

Thanks to the Associate Principal Investigator of this ambitious project, Dr. Louis Slanidrac (on leave from the University of Missouri’s Department of Systemic Wainwrighting), we were able to obtain a small sample of the proprietary table of trundling coefficients. It was meticulously copied from page 93 of the synopsis of his seven-hour documentary opera "Rigo Rolletto and the Opposing Thumb". The information hereby provided should be regarded as sensitive and should not be disclosed to citizens of countries with hostile regimes or to individuals who engage in hey hauling races.

Trundling coefficients:

20.3 RpC - billiard ball
19.8 RpC - baseball
17.8 RpC - medium ripe orange
17.6 RpC - spherical watermelon
16.5 RpC - spool of wool
15.8 RpC - football
14.1 RpC - rolled up socks
11.4 RpC - beer keg
10.4 RpC - recklessly combed hedgehog
09.2 RpC - speeding SUV
09.1 RpC - cordless pressure cooker
08.5 RpC - drunk man
07.6 RpC - rectangular watermelon
05.8 RpC - liverwurst sandwich
03.1 RpC - pointy-toed dress shoes
01.3 RpC - cereal box
01.1 RpC - twelve foot ladder
00.3 RpC - hair wash coupon


Due to space limitation we cannot offer the reader an unabridged account of IACS's researches and projects. It is feared that all the specifications, technical reports, process parameters and descriptions when written out in full and properly annotated with extended footnotes would severely reduce the acreage of North American forests. Some experts also believe that even an abbreviated verbal account when given in front of live audiences could easily burn through half the stockpiles of the US Lectern Reserve and would eventually lead to a massive and potentially lethal headache epidemic.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part I.

Inning: 2

This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the actual community, please, go ahead and pay them a visit.


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak