Cardinal Stritch University
In view of the increased interest in the St Louis Cardinals, we are pleased to announce that the Provost's office has been successfully lobbied to introduce a brand new class that aims to satisfy this demand. The syllabus and exam requirements are listed below. Students who mistakenly support other teams are strongly encouraged to sign up for the new class.
CARDINALS ROOTING 201: Spotting Cardinals’ T-shirts in a store and tactics for putting them on in airplanes' economy seats, finding one’s way around the Bush Stadium both sober and merry, learning how to defend yourself with a sawed off clarinet, wearing the rally caps properly, contractual obligations of being legally red, imitating Jack Buck’s voice in a bathroom, etiquette of traveling to Cardinals’ games by planes, trains and automobiles, vocal cord exercises designed to increase the cheering capacity of the Busch Stadium, safety precautions applicable when burning effigies of Curt Schilling, extinguishing minor fires with whipped cream dispensers, developing skills necessary for simultaneously watching the game and chewing bubble gum (includes the trendy recursive techniques), explaining the rules of baseball to Europeans and disoriented extraterrestrials, hands on introduction to dealing with the presence of Yankees’ and Cubs’ fans, which, if time allows, would segue into a crash course in karate, jujitsu and pillow fighting.
Exam requirements: During the exam, each student will be
exposed to a sustained seduction by an attractive member of
the opposite sex dressed in a minimum coverage Yankee uniform.
To successfully pass a student has to withstand such seduction for an extended period
of time. The final grade will be directly proportional to the length of the
successfully thwarted seduction.
During this period a student can expect promises of great victories, physical pleasures, financial perks, might be verbally abused, complimented, cajoled, threatened or may have tongue depressor applied, but cannot lose her faith in the Cardinals for a single second, or the examination process will terminate and will have to be restarted from scratch.
Prerequisite: good nerves
Text: Three Nights in August: Strategy, Heartbreak, and Joy: Inside the Mind of a Manager (Buzz Bissinger, H. G. Bissinger, Tony Larussa)
Note: Failure to wear a red article of clothing will result in immediate dismissal from the class. Furthermore, it is strictly prohibited to bring live manatees to the classroom, irrespective of the number of red articles of clothing they might be wearing (the only dispensation will be granted to seeing-eye manatees). It is advocated, however, to brake for manatees at pedestrian crossings, even if one's car does not display a bumper sticker declaring such action. If the crossing manatee does wear a red article of clothing, the car has to come to a complete halt before proceeding.
Political Correction: Dead manatees cannot be brought into the classroom either. This University does not discriminate against any species on the grounds of their vitality or lack thereof.
On a related note - during its December meeting, the Campus Activist Group for Politically Correct Lifestyle observed that manatees are heavily underrepresented among major sports team mascots. After a deliberation, which lasted 33 decaffeinated coffees and 51 sugar-free doughnuts, the Group composed a formal letter to the MLB Board suggesting that the Detroit Tigers be renamed to the Detroit Manatees and the Chicago Cubs to the Chicago Baby Manatees.
© 2004 Jan Rehacek
The Book of Cardinals 2004
This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection
of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the
actual University, please visit their webpage:
Part I. Namesakes
Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
Part III. Three Dreams