Nine amendments for extreme motorists

(a legal farce for doubly heartbroken voters)

After this yearís presidential election, a small group of disillusioned, but very vocal supporters of Ralph Nader attacked defenseless windows of a government building in Arlington, VA with stones, sticks and several gallons of a whitish liquid that their leader described as a weapons grade milk. A field analysis conducted by an index finger of a patrolling officer has not confirmed his claim though. After a derring-do attack, which to a mildly impartial observer standing half a mile off might have looked like a bunch of delirious ferrets trying to break the second law of thermodynamics, the radicals barricaded themselves in the local DMV office and demanded that the stipulations listed below be included in the Virginia Guidelines for Safe Driving.

Their improvised political Manifesto released later in the evening proclaimed that "the mainstream rules of road conduct no longer express the reality of driving in the era of extreme sports. Over the past 50 years the principles of driving have grown increasingly rigid, suffocating and if let to petrify at the going rate would lead to an open dictatorship on our own roads within our own lifetime. Sweeping changes are not an option, but a bare necessity."

In the interest of objectivity, it needs to be mentioned that the more moderate radicals conceded that one cannot always extrapolate from the current conditions that far into the future. After all, if our ancestors did so in the Middle Ages, they would have come to the inevitable conclusion that in our times the fastest mode of transportation would have been a supersonic horse.


The radical rules soon to be included in your driving manual.

1. Keep your hands in your pockets at all times while driving.

2. Hitachino Nest Ginger Ale, Russian River Blind Pig Double IPA,
    St Louis Framboise and Vintage French Cognac are driverís best friends!

3. If you are carrying cargo, take turns driving
      (bricks propped against the gas pedal make for excellent drivers)

4. If you donít carry hirsute passengers that would obscure your vision, 
      take a sofa, a harp case or a small horse with you into the cabin.

5. Keep stepping on the brake and gas pedals alternately and roughly in 
       the same rhythm in which you tread water in a swimming pool.

6. If your car loses less than four wheels, donít panic and keep driving.

7. If the hands in your pockets are getting numb, you can take them 
       briefly out, but you have to engage them in a useful activity, such 
       as playing violin, poker or practicing swings with your baseball bat.

8. While your car is in motion, keep your eyes on the rear view mirror
    (youíll be able to better monitor the havoc that you are leaving behind you)

9. You have the right of way at every intersection.


These rules have been ratified by the Honors Convocation of the Motorized Unit of High Elevation Alpine Game-Keepers and are not negotiable (which probably means that they are snowed in). The said Convocation also propounded that Bank Robbery be included as an Olympic event, both with and without hurdles.

© 2004† Jan Rehacek

The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part II.

Inning: 2

Soon after the loss in the World Series, John Kerry lost to George Bush. For those Cards fans who were rooting for Democrats, this was a double whammy. This text is dedicated to their suffering.


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak