Are you a Cardinals' fan?

(a simple test for prospective redbird rooters)

Please answer the four questions stated below.

Before taking the test, put your First Aid Kit into an emergency position - which is with its lid open. Make sure the kit contains an antidote against knowledge poisoning, an efficient painkiller, cell phone and a flotation device, in case there is uncontrollable flooding in the examination room. If you haven't thought recently, especially if you watch a lot of professional wrestling, please, make sure you scrape moss off your neural paths before reading the questions. If you experience an unusual eye-popping sensation, possibly accompanied with ringing in your upper belfry, your mental gestation is over and your brain is ready to go into labor. Don't panic. That's perfectly normal. Unless you drank some battery acid very recently, in which case forget about the test and call your physician's cell number immediately.

When finished, add up your scores and look up the results in the table. You can use a calculator or the "Call A Friend" lifeline.


1. What is Gabby Street? 
    A. A road with higher than permissible chit-chat contamination 
    B. The home address of the Saint Louis Post Dispatch. 
    C. The name of the manager of the 1931 STL team that won the WS.

2. What happened in 1876?
    A. Nothing.
    B. Gen. Grant got very tipsy during the Centennial celebrations.
    C. The Saint Louis National League was started.

3. What is Jasper, IN, famous for?
    A. A home to the only Museum of Pedestrian Zones in the USA.
    B. The world’s largest quarry for opaque, colored quartz.
    C. A place where Scott Rolen attended High School.

4. What spectacular defensive play did Willie McGee make in Game 3 of the WS-82?
    A. He challenged a running baseman with a squirt gun.
    B. He poured 2 quarts of a rather overweening laxative into Brewer's water cooler.
    C. He robbed Gorman Thomas of a homer with a leaping, over the fence snag. 


For each A you get 0 pts, for B 1 point and for each C take 2 pts.
Add your scores and take a look at how you do as a Cardinals’ fan:

0 pts - you are a Yankee, go away
1-2 pts - you are a distressingly uninformed citizen of St Louis
3-4 pts - you are a garden variety supporter of the Cardinals
5-6 pts - you are a staunch fan with a photographic memory
7-8 pts - you are the Stan Musial of Cards fans, please, stop by the front office and
          pick up your framed diploma and a complimentary Trident Nuclear Submarine
          with an onboard foot massage facility, rectractable roof and a free copy of
          "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Changing Oil in Nuclear Submarines".
9 pts - now this is really something    

The successful completion of this test authorizes you to pass judgement on all Cardinals' plays and to make predictions about the outcome of the World Series by placing a warm skillet on your belly button and intently watching the ceiling fan.

Footnote: whether the fan actually roots for the ceiling is a problem whose resolution would require too many semantic pirouettes and I am going to successfully avoid that pitfall.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



Part II.

Inning: 8

Through all the doors and all the days
paths are leading in both ways

Wouldn't the world be just lovely, if there was a simple test for finding out which way is the right one? Alas, there isn't.


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak