How to wash red socks properly.

(a recipe how to restore the natural splendor of your favorite socks)

There comes a time in your life when your red socks get dirty enough for socks twice their age; when they get so soiled that trying to wash them using conventional means would be as effective as trying to reanimate dead links on the Boston City web-page by giving your computer mouth-to-floppy resuscitation.

There comes a time in your life when your red socks have to be washed properly; when running them through endless washing cycles would only leave you with half baked clumps of processed wool and a feeling of utter futility. The feeling all too familiar to those, who, on their way to a hot date, had to wait at a supermarket checkout line, behind an argumentative non-English speaking person who was trying to buy thirty seven cans of unlabeled Herring Pudding with a credit card that was accepted only in southeastern Laos.

There comes a time in your life, when you need the help of weathered laundry experts. This is that time. Please, take a minute off your busy schedule and jot down the following procedure.

1. Put your red socks on a hard surface and spend about five minutes pounding them with your baseball bat. This should knock the dirt unconscious and easier to dispose of. If you do not own a baseball bat, you can hit them repeatedly with a low precision sledge-hammer.

2. Soak your socks for about half an hour in a 50% solution of sulfuric acid. When they seem tender enough, take them out and spray them thoroughly with WD-40. After they canít take it anymore give them a free ride in a meat grinder to wring them out.

3. Put socks in your microwave and press the Ground Meat button. Feel free to whistle while your socks are being dried.

4. Drive whatever remains of your socks to an abandoned quarry, stuff them with as many dynamite sticks as possible and put the detonation cord to good use. Do not forget to walk away. Fairly quickly if it's not too much trouble.

5. You are now a proud owner of the Emperorís New Socks!

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Note No. 1: This process has not been endorsed by Martha Stewart.

Note No. 2: This process will soon be turned into a videogame.

Note No. 3: The videogame will be turned into a major motion picture, with Jack Nicholson as the Meat Grinder, Nick Nolte as the Sock Beater and Lindsay Lohan as the Dynamite Stick. The socks themselves will be played by the Olson twins.

© 2004† Jan Rehacek

The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part II.

Inning: 5

Well, all that pent up rage has to be vented somehow, right?

Prologue

Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak

Epilogue