Arizona Cardinals

Invited by General Manager Walt Jocketty, the Arizona Cardinals (NFL) came to St. Louis to play one game of baseball against their local namesakes. Although the football players were clearly instructed about the rules of baseball, and some were given a small stipend to purchase illustrated booklets, several deplorable misunderstandings did occur during this friendly game.

In the first inning, the Arizonan quarterback standing on the mound in his alligator boots decided to pitch to the second and third bases rather than to the plate. When asked about this particular behavior, he explained: “Well, our guys at second and third were absolutely open, no one on them, so what was I supposed to do? Our catcher was covered.”

In the third inning, outfielder Larry Walker caught a high flyball only to be brutally tackled by an Arizonan base-runner, rushing at him at a break neck speed and emitting sounds that appeared to be a gross misrepresentation of yodeling. After the game Mr. Walker told reporters: “I had absolutely no idea, why that guy on first base started running towards me, rather than towards second. The moment I caught the ball, he went completely berserk. I just didn't have time to get out of his way". The club psychologist confirmed that getting out of his way would indeed be prudent. According to the Old England Journal of Medicine Balls, such course of action seems to be a rather promising new way of dealing with objects that have the inertia of a speeding steamroller and the attitude of a frustrated bull. But if you feel an irresistible urge to check out new life support gadgets of your local ER unit, feel free to deal with them in any way you like.

In the 6th inning, the Arizonan third baseman caught a throw from one of his teammates, but rather than tagging oncoming Scott Rolen, he started running to the home plate himself. There he smashed the little ball to the ground and started yelling "Touchdown! Touchdown!" The overzealous offender was so excited that he had to be sedated with numerous tranquilizer shots and two reams of Mickey Mouse stationery.

Finally, at the bottom of the seventh, the captain of the Arizona Cardinals demanded that the referee reexamine his decision and call an incomplete pass after Tony Womack briefly dropped the ball from Jimmy Edmonds. Mr. LaRussa, as on many previous occasions, showcased his diplomatic skills and smoothed things out with a couple of well-meant dope slaps. After several other minor accidents, most of them harking back to the golden days of unrestrained folly, the game ended peacefully and without any significant injuries.

Final score: Arizona 0, St Louis 99.

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part I.

Inning: 6

This text is completely fictitious and is merely a reflection of a coincidence of names. If you would like to learn about the actual team, please visit their webpage:

Arizona Cardinals


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak