Red Sox: the Comedy

In the first two games the Red Sox committed eight errors and made watching the TV broadcast more fun than driving a stretch limousine through a revolving door. In the enclosed picture we see the Sox catcher and one of the field players trying to snatch a fouled flyball, colliding in the process and coming out empty handed. A move that prompted immediate calls for instituting the position of a designated clown on all AL teams.

When local newspapers started inquiring into the cause of such unusually high number of errors, it transpired that the Red Sox players were mistakenly informed that the first two games would not be broadcast by the Fox network, but rather by Comedy Central, and were asked to adjust their playing style accordingly. It is not clear who directed this burlesque extravaganza and how much effort went into rehearsing it, but it was well worth it. A pair of stoned donkeys on a slippery trampoline wouldn’t cause half as much exhilaration, especially among children and the present insurance blunderwriters.

According to our sources, the profits from the transfer of broadcasting rights were to be used to bribe the producers of "Surviving Christmas" into leaving Hollywood and starting a business in soy bean processing. That way the cast of the movie would have an opportunity to advance their careers by engaging in more worthy projects, such as mowing lawns of major studios’ directors, researching the ownership rights to the Central Alabama Railway Timetables or dubbing the classical works of the American cinematography in Swahili. Ben Affleck, a die-hard Red Sox fan, said he appreciated the gesture.

After the Game 2 was over, the FOX spokesman conceded that if the trend towards comedy continues, the next year's World Series might be televised in parallel with the Pumpkin Hurling Fest playoffs. Nielsen Ratings always get a nice boost when sports mingle with good wholesome family fun from the times when men were honest, bikinis covered more than half of the body surface and dental drills were propelled by chains and pedals. Psychology experts believe that the drift toward less serious side of sports has been brought about by the Internet. Owing to the excess of information and the subsequent functional overload of the left cerebral hemisphere, the brain area responsible for tickling management has no choice but to moonlight as the sporting scores parser.

In a formal gesture acknowledging this new trend, the Cardinals expressed their wish to trade few Boston players in order to beef up their knee-slapping staff. The details of the trade have not yet been revealed, but experts anticipate adherence to the unofficial MLB player exchange rate: "The red bird in hand is worth two in the Busch Stadium."

© 2004  Jan Rehacek



The Book of Cardinals 2004

Part III.

Inning: 7

Jason Varitek and Bill Mueller collide (Game 2).

AP Photo/Amy Sancetta


Part I. Namesakes
1. Cardinal Stritch University
2. Cardinal, Virginia
3. Cardinal Systems
4. Vatican Cardinals
5. Tantoo Cardinal
6. Arizona Cardinals
7. Cardinal Numbers
8. Cardinal Bar
9. Cardinal Fish

Part II. 7th Inning Stretch of Imagination
1. What's In A Name?
2. Nine Amendments For Extreme Motorists
3. Better Butter For Bitter Batter
4. Infield Fly Rule For Dummies
5. How To Wash Red Socks Properly
6. My Kingdom For A Pitcher!
7. East St Louis Vacations Inc
8. Are You A Cardinals Fan?
9. Banbury Cross

Part III. Three Dreams
1. Dodgers: The Robbery
2. Dodgers: The Handshake
3. Dodgers: The Shower
4. Astros: The Flight
5. Astros: The Homer
6. Astros: The Ritual
7. Red Sox: The Comedy
8. Red Sox: The Drama
9. Red Sox: The Heartbreak